my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
