I can tuck mytits in my pants
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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