Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
