my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize