someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
