My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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