he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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