You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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