you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We were destined to go to rehab together
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize