Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
MIDGETS
????
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
