the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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