that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
