Don't you send me to vm
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
