You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
