She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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