Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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