me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
