a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
