You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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