i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
