In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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