Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
