im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
