he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
