I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
