his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
