I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize