Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
