I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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