I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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