Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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