I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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