those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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