I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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