there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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