Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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