I seem to have left my pride at pride
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
