so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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