If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
