So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
