I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
