I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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