Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i already hear my dad disowning me
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
