Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
