he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
