you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm having to shit out rocks
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