so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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