Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
