I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
