2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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