You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
