this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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