My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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