I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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