your room smells of hookers.
And success
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My pussy is not your playground.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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