smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
