I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
