Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
