Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize