Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
