I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
