She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
