Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize