I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
