Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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