So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Sober January is a disaster.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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