what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
